So The Remission is Real

I felt weird today. Mom was having a conversation with a travel agent who will bring her and her colleagues to China this month. Somehow, the subject of the conversation became me. They talked about the side effects of my prescription.

To be honest, when I told her I had been seeing a psychiatrist, I was curious. She didn’t ask me what my problem was, what made me stressed, or what I had been going through.

And now she talks about me to a travel agent she hasn’t known for long. Then they decided I need to drink herbal medicine to cure my insanity. Do they think they know better than my doctor?

The weirdest part is this. I didn’t freak out. There were no delusions, no frustration. Today went on as usual. I was happy. I colored my hair. I enjoyed this Saturday.

I should be angry. Or should I?

Her decision to talk about my personal details felt strange enough. She told me through chat while she was in her room and I was in mine. She told me when I was still sleepy, lying in bed. She interrupted my morning. And still, I didn’t feel anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I really am insane. Now I can calm down? Wow. This remission feels real.

And yet, I still believe I’m insane because of what happened next.

I just bought a gift for my love. My BPD started acting up again. I am obsessed with them. I can’t stop flooding them with gifts. I tried to stop myself, but I failed again. It is very hard to hold back and not love them.

I’m afraid they hate me for my obsessive love. For the way I show it. But I am just a human with the ability to fall in love.