A Life I Didn't Expect to Love

Some people have asked me why I don't make an effort to find a partner. For example, why don't I use dating apps? Or why don't I join speed dating events?

The answer is simple.

First, I'm quite traumatized by trying to build a relationship. In both 2024 and 2025, I got to know someone through dating apps, but both relationships ended. Because of those experiences, I'm now hesitant to try again.

Second, I was once engaged, but we never got married. That experience made me even more insecure and doubtful about starting a new relationship.

Third, I still hope to meet someone in real life. I want to meet someone naturally, face to face, without forcing it. To me, that just feels more enjoyable.

Being 32 and still single honestly doesn't bother me.

Back when I was engaged, I was actually very stressed because we still weren't getting married. I felt like our relationship had already lasted a long time, and we should have been married by then. I didn't feel secure because we weren't in a marriage. I was actually depressed being in a long-term dating relationship that wasn't leading to marriage.

That's why, when the relationship finally ended, I felt an incredible sense of relief.

On one hand, I was heartbroken because he was someone I truly loved. But on the other hand, I felt relieved because I realized that I had been neglecting myself all that time.

I was only focused on us, not me.

I forgot that I also had to think about myself. That I mattered. That I should still come first in my own life.

Back then, I was so focused on us that almost every decision I made was to make my ex happy. Even all of my free time was spent with him. I never made time for myself.

So when I became single, it felt like entering my golden age.

I felt so free, so relieved, so happy. I felt like I could do anything, and I finally had the chance to pursue everything I wanted.

My time belonged only to me.

I could eat alone. I could go places by myself. I focused on making myself happy. I filled my free time with meaningful things. I took better care of myself. I attended Islamic study circles. I went to the gym. And there were so many other things I started doing.

Even though I did all of those things alone, it was the first time I truly enjoyed my life.

That's when I realized that being single could actually be so enjoyable.

Of course, I eventually fell in love again. That's why I tried dating again in 2024 and 2025.

But those relationships ended too, and they left me feeling insecure.

Now, I hesitate to start a new relationship with someone.

That's why these days all I allow myself to have is a crush. I can like someone. I can be attracted to someone. But I'm too afraid to take it any further.

Maybe it sounds strange. I'm 32 years old, an age when many people think you should already be married and have a family. Yet here I am, simply having a crush on someone who doesn't even know I like him.

He doesn't know that I have feelings for him.

He doesn't know anything about me.

And I don't think these feelings will ever go anywhere because I'm convinced he's not interested in me.

So I'll probably just keep these feelings to myself.

Do I still hope to be in a relationship?

Maybe.

Because I genuinely enjoy being on my own.

Even so, I wouldn't reject it if someone sincerely wanted to get to know me. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship. I'd be so happy just to have a new friend.

Most of my friends are already busy with their own lives. Even though we still talk regularly, it's difficult for us to meet because we live so far apart.

One of my best friends is heavily pregnant and lives in another city. Another one lives on a different island.

I just hope there's someone who could become a close friend—not just someone I talk to on my phone, but someone I can actually meet in person.

Is that too much to ask?