I Have Nightmares to Pay For

I told my psychologist about how my nightmares became intense and frequent after the code of ethics hearing. She said, first, that the nightmares were my emotional trash. Second, I could stop seeing her. It felt like an abrupt breakup.

She said I needed to find a specialist for the context of my problem. She didn’t have the capacity to help me. I chose to move on and search for a new psychologist.

So, what kind of nightmares exactly did I have?

The rape ones.

It’s not fun telling people that I’ve been having rape nightmares for… decades. And it’s uncomfortable when the nightmares become frequent for months.

The majority of my nightmares are sexual. I don’t even think about these things during the day. But at night? When I close my eyes? When I can’t control my mind?

Yeah. It’s attacking me.

The funny part is, during the day, I almost forget that I’m depressed.

My condition has been so good lately. I keep getting endorphins from working out. I go to the gym, I lift weights, I box. I have work. I have things to complain about, mostly work-related things, which honestly feels pretty normal.

I don’t think about the trauma I experienced decades ago.

I almost forget that I have it.

And then I sleep.

Apparently, my brain has other plans.

I have almost no libido when I’m awake, yet my sleeping brain keeps producing sexual nightmares. I find the contradiction almost ridiculous. My conscious mind is like, absolutely not. My unconscious mind, apparently, did not receive the memo.

And it’s not just sex.

Somewhere along the way, I became numb to love, too.

It’s just… gone.

And, honestly, that one haunts me a little.

Because what the fuck am I supposed to do if I can’t love?

I don’t have an answer. I’m not even sure whether this is something I’m supposed to fix, something that will eventually come back, or something I just have to live with for now.

After my psychologist told me she couldn’t help me with this particular problem, I went looking for someone who could. I found her in Jakarta. She works with adults and has a particular focus on sexual and reproductive wellbeing, among other areas.

So now I have a new problem to explain and apparently a new expense to budget for.

I just need to make enough money to afford therapy, because apparently healing from decades-old emotional trash is not cheap.

Anyway, time to work.

I have nightmares to pay for.

Jokes. I have nightmares waiting for me.

Good night, I guess.