Maybe I Haven’t Lost the Ability to Feel

For a while, I thought there was something wrong with me. My feelings toward men had become strangely flat. The feelings I once had for people I've written about before seemed to disappear completely.

I could still recognize that someone was attractive. I could still enjoy someone's company. I could still think someone was interesting.

But I couldn't seem to feel anything beyond that.

I wasn't falling for anyone. I wasn't developing crushes. I wasn't longing for anyone. My libido had disappeared too.

And then my period stopped.

Naturally, I started wondering whether something was wrong with my hormones, or whether there was something else going on.

It was confusing because I remembered what it felt like to have strong feelings for someone. I knew what having a crush felt like. I knew what attraction felt like. I knew what it was like to want someone.

Now, I felt almost nothing.

So I started talking about it.

When I brought it up with my psychologist, she wondered whether it could be related to trauma. My psychiatrist had another possibility: perhaps it was an effect of my medication.

My medication was eventually changed.

I don't know yet what the answer is. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe it's trauma. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's something else entirely. I don't think I have enough information to know.

But somewhere along the way, I started thinking that perhaps I simply couldn't fall in love anymore.

And then, recently, something unexpected happened.

I met someone I really enjoy talking to.

That's it.

Nothing dramatic happened. I didn't suddenly fall in love. I didn't suddenly develop some overwhelming romantic feeling.

I just started feeling... happy.

Really happy.

I'm actually quite shy, but talking to him feels unusually effortless. I don't have to think about what we're going to talk about because he always has something to say. He talks a lot, and he's genuinely fun to listen to.

I don't have to keep the conversation alive.

I don't have to think of interesting things to say.

I don't have to worry about awkward silences.

I can just listen, respond, laugh, and be myself.

And apparently, that is enough to make me smile very, very widely.

It caught me off guard.

Because if my feelings toward the opposite sex had become so flat, why could this person make me feel so happy?

I spent so much time wondering whether I had lost the ability to fall in love that I hadn't considered that romantic feelings and happiness might not be the same thing.

I don't think I'm in love with him.

I'm not looking for a relationship, either. I don't need this friendship to become anything more than what it is.

I just genuinely enjoy having someone around whom conversation feels this easy.

And maybe that's what makes this whole thing so interesting to me.

For a long time, I thought the problem was that I couldn't feel.

But maybe that's not quite true.

I can still feel warmth toward someone. I can still enjoy someone's presence. I can still laugh until my face hurts. I can still look forward to talking to someone.

What I don't know yet is why the romantic part of me has gone so quiet.

Maybe that's something I'll understand eventually.

For now, I'm just glad to know that underneath all that emotional flatness, there is still a part of me that can feel genuinely, uncomplicatedly happy.

Maybe I haven't lost the ability to feel after all.

Maybe I'm just learning what feeling looks like for me now.