A Year of Healing

This month marks exactly one year since I started seeing Dr. Natalingrum Sukmarini, Sp.KJ., for my condition.

I am in the best mental state I've ever been. I've been seeing her every single month without missing a single appointment, and I will always be grateful to her for being my doctor.

This month also brings another important milestone in my ongoing case against "Jeruk." The second ethics hearing is scheduled for August 14, 2026, at 8:30 a.m. The ethics panel asked me to submit expert witnesses, so I nominated the following four mental health professionals:

• dr. Santi Yuliani, M.Sc., Sp.KJ

• Amanda Delisia, M.Psi

• Dr. dr. Natalia Widiasih Raharjanti, Sp.KJ., Subsp. F.(K), MPd.Ked

• dr. Sandra Suryadana

The ethics panel has the authority to summon licensed physicians as witnesses, provided their Certificate of Medical Registration (STR) is still valid. However, I don't know whether they will actually attend the hearing. For now, all I can do is wait.

Fortunately, because my mental health has been stable, I've been able to enjoy my daily life again. I decided to work with a personal trainer again because I genuinely enjoy my workouts more that way. Now that my hypomanic episode has passed, my appetite has returned to normal after increasing dramatically for a while. Because I'm in such a good mental state, I don't feel particularly stressed about the case anymore.

Unfortunately, I also suffered two minor injuries. The first was around my sacrum during a deadlift session, and the second was a wrist injury. Both required physiotherapy, and altogether I spent more than one million rupiah on treatment. It wasn't financially devastating, but it still stung to spend that much money on injuries.

Although my appetite is no longer unusually high, I still struggle to enjoy the food I eat. Most of the time, I crave sweets and unhealthy food. I rarely feel excited about eating my own cooking, so I'm often tempted to buy food instead. It's a small issue compared to everything else, but it still weighs on my mind because I know it affects my nutrition. I still tend to eat according to my mood, which means I frequently fall short of my daily protein intake.

On a brighter note, I purchased a subscription package for several Islamic lectures. It was surprisingly affordable and gives me access to five different lecture series. I've genuinely enjoyed the lessons, and they've opened my eyes to many things. I also joined an online Qur'an Club, where we study and reflect on the meanings of the Qur'an together. All of these religious activities are online because the in-person sessions usually overlap with my working hours.

My faith still has its ups and downs, and I'm still trying to become more consistent in my worship. I've realized that maintaining faith is much harder than consistently going to the gym. In some ways, it's just as difficult as building the discipline to eat healthy every day, because I still eat according to my mood more often than I should.

I also recently started attending an offline Islamic history class organized by Bogor Historical Walk. It's become one of the highlights of every month. The lectures are incredibly well-prepared, and I always leave feeling like I've learned something valuable.

To be honest, I've also been feeling a little emotional lately. Many of my friends are now pursuing PhDs, and seeing them take that step makes me wonder if I should pursue one myself someday. I don't know if that path is right for me yet, but the thought has been lingering in my mind more often than I'd like to admit.